Nerf: The Ionic Westerns Transcript

An Old Friend
CASSIDY: Howdy, Billy!

BILLY: Ah, my man: Cassidy Lindheimer! How d’you go?

C: I go with anger. I’m desperate for some spanking on the Princemen. They’ve robbed every bank from here to Kingdom Come, my friend.

B: But how we gonna put them in jail, Cassidy?

C: You see, there’s two kinds of people in this world, my friend - those with loaded guns and those who dig. Those dig for pain. Our guns hold more bullets than Princemen

B: You dig?

C: No. I don’t care much about digging. I care much about the local saloon and getting those punks sentenced to jail. Could go for a drink after dealing with those psychos?

B: You bet!

C: Let’s go!

They enter Princemen Headquarters.

Searching in Princemen Headquarters
Cassidy manages to shoot the door down.

C: Rememore this for your sake: God is on our side.

They appear in the living room.

C: Keep your ears awake for this: our plot is to get in that room. Inside of the co- is the code for the prison cell that holds every bank in North America’s net worth,

B: And how much money is that?

Camera Man sniggers.

C: 84.9 TRILLION!

B: DANG! I feel as dead as a doornail!

They head upstairs.

C: Huh! So that‘s where all the money is.

B: I thought that was my line!

C: I hear jingling, like a key. It must be coming from that bedroom. Let’s go!

They enter the Master’s Bedroom. Cassidy throws his gun onto the bed and hastily opens all the drawers to find the key to the Master’s Office. Billy cocks his gun.

C: The Master’s Office key. Yes!

He flings it in the air.

Cameraman: Go.

C: Well that was pretty easy! I thought Princemen hid their most valued keys inside doors, nooks and crannies. Apparently not.

B: Cassidy! We have a problem: I got a telegram says they‘re coming back from town!

C: Oh god! We gotta get outta here now, or we’ll be dead meat. AAARGH!

B: AAARGH!

They escape the room.

Finding and Entering the Code
Cassidy uses the keys on the Office. Inside, he finds a code.

C: Wow, that’s one heck of a code there! Wait...it translates to...KingOfMovies? This group’s no king!

Upstairs, Cassidy enters the code for the prison cell. He grabs the special card with the money on it.

ALONZO: Why’s thé door broken down? Get those theives!

Cassidy freaks out.

Escaping the Headquarters
Cassidy and Billy head back in the Bedroom.

C: I know it’s mad, but it’s the only way we’ll get out alive!

Billy gives Cassidy a lift up to the window. Cassidy climbs down a ladder alongside Billy. They run away from Princemen Headquarters. Eventually, they make it out into the frontier. Cassidy and Billy soumersault onto the grass.

Battle with Alonzo
Cassidy removes his cloak violently.

A: Gimme my money back!

C: You mean our country’s money?

A: Not any more it ain’t!

They shoot each other. Cassidy does a poor soumersadult whilst Alonzo does a dangerous one. Suddenly, Cassidy is confronted by the members of Princemen. He cocks his gun, pretending they aren’t there, but suddnely attacks them all in one go. They all fall to the ground. Alonzo steps over a dead body.

C: I guess there‘s no point in tryna get your money back now.

A: Cassidy? Billy? SHUT UP!

Cassidy snatches the gun off him.

C: Life? Or death?

A: Well personally, I‘d choose death, but...

C: Okay, cool!

Cassidy shoots him in the head. Alonzo is killed.

Epilogue
Cassidy sits beside Billy who wakes up from his unconsciousness.

C: Thank God you’re alive! We kept the money!

B: Yeehaw!

They dance and shoot the sky vigorously. After, they sit and have a drink.

B: Well Cassidy, where do you fancy yourself next?

C: Beyond the boundaries of the Western Frontier to England!

B: By walking?

C: By boat as well. Don’t you think I’m swimming in that cold sea!

B: Well Cassidy, i think it’s bout time I took my leave.

C: Bye then Billy!

They high five. A boat person appears to Cassidy

BOAT PERSON: Are you ready to come to England, Cassidy?

C: You bet!

He gets on the boat. BP does a little tune.

The camera moves to the sky whilst Cassidy travels to England.

THE END